I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
