three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
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Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
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A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
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