Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Randomize
