I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
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4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
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That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
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