i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
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