A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Randomize
