you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
