ya dads aren't the best wingmen
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
Randomize
