i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
Half of elefante. Gelafin galaxy
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
Randomize
