I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
