when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
What would you say if someone told you they liked your lips?
Which ones?
I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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