Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
Terrible idea I love it
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
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