Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
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