I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Randomize
