I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
remember the good old days of high school when a half gal would last for more than a nite
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
Randomize
