babies were throwing up all over the place
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
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