FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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