i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Randomize
