Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
The chlamydia really affected his face.
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
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