Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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