do you know mcdonalds refuses to give out large cups of water now? you have to buy a bottle or they give you a small cup. No exceptions.
RUDE.
I said FINE, then I'd like 7 small waters and 2 of those nifty carrying cases to carry about my h2o.
outsmarted mickey deeeees
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
Do you think girls in gamma phi sit around and think about how much they suck?
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
Randomize
