Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
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