i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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