Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
