it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
this mix will be the most desperate cry for affection in the history of itunes.
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
I love you. Go after that dick
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
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