i already hear my dad disowning me
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
