He asked to "fluff my boner.."
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
Randomize
