Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
3 2 1 whiskey
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
Randomize
