Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Randomize
