my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
P.S. I can't hear my feet
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
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