Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
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