She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
Just follow the currents of life. And if they take me on to a guys dick, so be it.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Randomize
