the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
i hate that site..its like every vagina you dont wanna see
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
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