If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
Randomize
