Oh KT! There was no tea in those Long Islands...
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize
