he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
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Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
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I'm just so full of love and alcohol
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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