I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
according to the video, you won you first drunken karaoke contest based off of your actual singing abilities and not because you took your shirt! I've never been prouder :)
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
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