Umm I'm too high to move.
I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize
