...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
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