When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
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