My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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