Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
