You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
I bet they don't have a scenario slide on how to deal with a suggested three way with counsel during harassment training.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
I think I have to break up with him. I just cried, not moaned, screamed, etc, cried, with tears of sadness and disappointment when I came.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
Randomize
