I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
I just read the lonely terrorist on nwa had 40 more friends than me on facebook
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
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