I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Randomize
