the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Randomize
