She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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