Does it still count as a "walk of shame" if it's only 1am?
Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
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He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
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I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
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