I think most guys look at porn as a fallback career. I mean I know I do.
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
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