You smell like a Billy Joel song
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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