I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
sent the pic of my tit to the wrong bbm chatroom
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Randomize
