No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
My dad just informed me that I may be entitled to $1700 worth of stimulus money... looks like that hitachi is coming sooner than later. Let's hope for the best!
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