I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
Randomize
