two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
He told me they were just razor bumps!
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
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