hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
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