I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
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