my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
