Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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