My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Randomize
